In 1988, the Barenaked Ladies penned a quirky and endearing tune, “If I Had a Million Dollars,” a whimsical promise of extravagant gifts fueled by the fantasy of sudden wealth. Decades later, the question arises: does this lyrical shopping list still hold water in today’s economy? Let’s dive into the inflation-adjusted reality of this beloved song and see if a modern-day millionaire could still afford all those promised goodies.
Inflation and a 21st-Century Million
The original song was conceived in 1988, and while it wasn’t officially released until 1992, the spirit of the lyrics is rooted in the spending power of 1988. According to inflation calculators, one million US dollars in 1988 is roughly equivalent to over $2.5 million today. So, for our updated lyrical experiment, let’s reimagine the song as “If I Had Two and a Half Million Dollars.” It might not roll off the tongue quite as easily, but it more accurately reflects the original intent in today’s money.
“Well I’d buy you a house”
Alt text: Inflation comparison between New Zealand Dollar and US Dollar from 1988 to present.
Starting strong with a classic romantic gesture: buying a house. In many major cities, this might eat up a significant portion, if not all, of our hypothetical millions. Let’s assume our singer is aiming for a comfortable, not extravagant, home. In a decent suburban area, a modest 3-bedroom house could easily set you back around $800,000 to $1.5 million, depending on location and market conditions. This is a big chunk of our $2.5 million, but still feasible.
“I’d buy you furniture for your house (maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)”
Alt text: A plush ottoman, a classic furniture piece mentioned in the “If I Had a Million Dollars” song.
After securing the house, it’s time to furnish it. A “chesterfield” (a classic, deep-buttoned sofa) and an ottoman are mentioned. While these are just starting points, furnishing an entire house requires more than just these two items. For a decent set of furniture to fill a 3-bedroom house, including living room, dining room, and bedroom sets, we’re looking at a ballpark figure of $10,000 to $30,000. Let’s budget around $20,000 for a comfortable and stylish, but not overly lavish, furniture set.
“I’d buy you a K-car (a nice Reliant automobile)”
Alt text: A classic Dodge Aries K-car, representing the “K-car” lyric in the song “If I Had a Million Dollars.”
The K-car! The lyrics actually mention a “Reliant automobile,” and while the original article identifies it as a Chevy pickup truck (likely a misunderstanding), the K-car refers to Chrysler’s K-platform cars from the 1980s, like the Dodge Aries or Plymouth Reliant. These were economical and practical cars of their time, not exactly luxury vehicles. If we’re aiming for a modern equivalent of a reliable and practical vehicle, a mid-range sedan or SUV would fit the bill. Let’s estimate around $30,000 to $40,000 for a dependable new car.
“And if I had a million dollars I’d buy your love”
Love can’t be bought, or can it? The original article humorously suggests $18 for a Creme Brûlée. In the spirit of playful affection, let’s upgrade this. Perhaps a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant? For a memorable evening out, including dinner and drinks for two, we can budget around $150 to $300. Love, or at least a very nice date, secured!
“If I had a million dollars I’d build a tree fort in our yard”
Alt text: A charming tree fort nestled among trees, representing the whimsical tree fort mentioned in the “Million Dollars” song.
A tree fort! Childlike whimsy meets adult resources. The original article quotes an average cost of $7,700, which seems reasonable for a well-built, fun treehouse. Considering our slightly inflated budget, let’s bump this up to $10,000 to ensure it’s a truly awesome, adult-friendly tree fort, perhaps even with that tiny refrigerator mentioned later in the song.
“Maybe we could put a little tiny refrigerator in there somewhere…pre-wrapped sausages…bacon”
Alt text: A compact mini-refrigerator, perfect for a tree fort as envisioned in the “Million Dollars” song.
A mini-fridge for the tree fort is essential for those pre-wrapped sausages and, importantly, bacon. A decent bar fridge will cost around $200 to $400. For the annual supply of pre-wrapped sausages, bacon, and other tree fort snacks, let’s generously budget $1,500 per year. Tree fort snacking sorted!
“I’d buy you a fur coat (but not a real fur coat that’s cruel)”
Alt text: A stylish faux fur coat, reflecting the ethical and fashionable choice in the “Million Dollars” lyrics.
Ethical fashion is key! A faux fur coat is the way to go. A stylish and cozy faux fur coat can be found for around $150 to $300. Let’s budget $250 for a fashionable and cruelty-free coat.
“Well I’d buy you an exotic pet (yep, like a llama or an emu)”
Alt text: A white llama, one of the exotic pets humorously suggested in the “If I Had a Million Dollars” song.
An exotic pet! A llama or an emu are the examples given. Llamas seem slightly more manageable as pets. The original article quotes $1,500 – $5,000 for a llama. Let’s aim for a “nice quality llama” and budget $5,000 for our new furry friend, plus initial setup costs for its care and habitat, say another $2,000.
“Well I’d buy you John Merrick’s remains (all them crazy elephant bones)”
Alt text: A portrait of Joseph Merrick, also known as “The Elephant Man,” humorously referenced in the “Million Dollars” song lyrics.
John Merrick’s remains, also known as “The Elephant Man,” is a decidedly bizarre and ethically questionable item on the list. As the original article points out, these are not for sale and incredibly historically significant. For the sake of our budget, and common decency, let’s skip this one entirely. Some things, even with millions, should remain off-limits.
“If I had a million dollars we wouldn’t have to walk to the store…limousine ’cause it costs more”
Alt text: A stretch limousine, symbolizing luxury transportation mentioned in the “Million Dollars” song.
Limousine rides for grocery shopping! Pure extravagance for the sake of it. The original article quotes $300 for a 2-hour limo ride. If we indulge in bi-weekly limo shopping trips, that’s 26 trips a year. Annual limo costs: 26 trips * $300/trip = $7,800 per year.
“If I had a million dollars we wouldn’t have to eat Kraft Dinner…But we would eat Kraft Dinner…Of course, we would, we’d just eat more”
Alt text: A box of Kraft Dinner, the iconic macaroni and cheese brand playfully mentioned in the song lyrics.
Kraft Dinner, or Mac and Cheese, a comfort food staple! The song suggests eating more, even with millions. Let’s assume a slightly more gourmet version of mac and cheese, perhaps some high-quality ingredients for homemade mac and cheese indulgence a couple of times a month. Let’s budget $50 per month for fancy mac and cheese ingredients, totaling $600 per year.
“And buy really expensive ketchups with it…all the fanciest Dijon ketchups”
Fancy ketchup to elevate our mac and cheese! Dijon ketchup might not be a thing, but gourmet ketchups are definitely available. Let’s budget $40 per month for fancy ketchups and condiments, totaling $480 per year.
“Well I’d buy you a green dress (but not a real green dress, that’s cruel)”
Alt text: An elegant green dress on display, representing the fashion item in “If I Had a Million Dollars.”
Another ethical fashion choice! A “real green dress” is avoided, implying perhaps a dress made of money or something equally bizarre. A beautiful green dress, just a regular, stylish dress in the color green, is a lovely gift. Let’s budget $300 for a nice green dress.
“Well I’d buy you some art (a Picasso or a Garfunkel)”
Alt text: A Pablo Picasso painting, representing high-end art mentioned in the “Million Dollars” lyrics.
Art! A Picasso or a… Garfunkel? While owning a Picasso might be financially out of reach even with $2.5 million (depending on the piece!), commissioning art is a viable option. Art Garfunkel, while known for his singing, isn’t known for visual art. Perhaps the lyric is a humorous juxtaposition of high and low art. Let’s allocate $50,000 for a piece of art, perhaps from a talented contemporary artist, not quite a Picasso, but still a significant and meaningful piece.
“Well I’d buy you a monkey (haven’t you always wanted a monkey?)”
Alt text: A monkey, the whimsical and slightly impractical pet suggested in the “Million Dollars” song.
A monkey! Exotic pets are back on the list. While the legality and ethical implications of owning a monkey are complex and vary by location, and it may not be the most responsible pet choice, for the sake of the song’s whimsy, let’s consider the cost. The original article quotes $4,000 – $8,000 for a monkey. Let’s budget $7,000 for a monkey, plus significant ongoing costs for its care, enclosure, and specialized needs, perhaps another $5,000 per year.
“If I had a million dollars, I’d buy your love”
One last time, to buy your love! Another romantic dinner, let’s say $200.
Million Dollar Math: Does it Still Add Up?
Let’s tally up our estimated costs:
- House: $1,000,000 (mid-range estimate)
- Furniture: $20,000
- Car: $35,000
- Romantic Dinners (Love x 2): $450
- Tree Fort: $10,000
- Tree Fort Snacks (Annual): $1,500
- Bar Fridge: $300
- Faux Fur Coat: $250
- Llama: $5,000
- Llama Setup: $2,000
- Limousine Shopping (Annual): $7,800
- Fancy Mac & Cheese Ingredients (Annual): $600
- Fancy Ketchup (Annual): $480
- Green Dress: $300
- Art: $50,000
- Monkey: $7,000
- Monkey Care (Annual): $5,000
Total Estimated Initial Costs: $1,139,300
Total Estimated Annual Costs: $15,380
So, based on these estimates, with $2.5 million (our inflation-adjusted million), we can indeed afford all the items in the song, and still have a significant amount of money left over! We could comfortably purchase all the initial gifts and easily cover the annual recurring costs for limo rides, fancy food, and pet care.
The Million Dollar Dream: Still Alive and Kicking
The Barenaked Ladies’ “If I Had a Million Dollars” remains a charming and relatable fantasy. Even with inflation, the core idea of the song holds true. A substantial sum of money, even if not a million in today’s dollars, can unlock a world of possibilities, from grand gestures like buying a house to whimsical indulgences like a tree fort and a llama. The song cleverly balances the extravagant with the everyday, reminding us that even with wealth, the simple joys and shared experiences (and Kraft Dinner!) still hold value. So, crank up the Barenaked Ladies, dream a little, and maybe check your lottery tickets – that million-dollar dream is still within reach!
